This article was originally posted on The Gottman Relationship Blog
Does your effort to support your partner spiral into arguments?
Maybe you can relate to Elena and Tom below.
Elena: (Sighs) Today was… overwhelming. It felt like everything that could go wrong, did.
Tom: At least it’s over now, right? I’m sure it’ll be better tomorrow.
Elena: (Feeling misunderstood). It’s not just about having a bad day. Today made me question if I’m even good at what I do.
Tom: You’re overthinking it. You’re great at your job! Why don’t you just relax?
Elena: (Feeling dismissed) I’m trying to express how I feel, and you’re dismissing it as if it’s nothing!
Tom: (Defensive) I’m not dismissing it, I’m trying to help you move past it.
The conversation escalates, highlighting a core marital problem: their meta-emotion mismatch.
“The [meta-emotional] mismatch alone predicted divorce or stability in the next four years with 80% accuracy.”
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the love lab
Tom and Elena are experiencing a clash between an emotion-attuning style (Elena) and an emotion dismissing style (Tom). This pattern is a major contributor to unresolved emotional injuries, which, if not addressed, can erode the relationship.
But what exactly is meta-emotion?
Dr. John Gottman, describes it as how we feel about feelings. It encompasses our emotional reactions to our own emotions and those of others, including whether we accept or dismiss them, how we interpret them, and how we respond to them.
The 2 Meta-Emotional Styles
Yoshimoto investigations into meta-emotion patterns identified two distinct approaches:
- The attuned pattern, which emphasizes empathy and understanding
- The dismissing pattern, which focuses on logic and action over emotional engagement
These patterns often stem from our upbringing and the emotional culture of our families, shaping how we deal with emotions as adults.
An emotion-coaching environment teaches us to value and understand our emotions, whereas a dismissive environment leaves us to focus on logic and actions one can take rather than understand emotions. As seen with Tom and Elena, this mismatch can lead to unhealthy conflict.
“Our research showed that in close relationships THE major incompatibility in marriage is a mismatch in how people view the negative emotions.” –
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the love lab
In my work with marriages, I call this pattern the head vs. heart problem. One partner is trying to connect with their heart by expressing emotions and in reaction, the other partner is trying to solve the problem with their head by using logic or actions.
Consequently, this dynamic leads to both partners feeling misunderstood, escalating conflict. The partner seeking emotional attunement feels emotionally dismissed, whereas the partner favoring a more logical approach feels their intentions are misconstrued.
When Tom perceives Elena’s accusation of dismissal—a tactic he employs in his attempt to provide support—he instinctively defends his actions. This defense only intensifies Elena’s feelings of isolation and neglect. Without effective communication and resolution, the relationship faces significant challenges.
Fixing the Meta-Emotion Mismatch
Addressing a meta-emotion mismatch is feasible with the structured approach developed by the Gottmans.
Step 1: Understanding must always precede action.
The initial step involves acknowledging that both approaches, understanding and action regarding emotions are valid; however, their effectiveness depends on proper timing.
Attuning with each other’s emotional states equips partners with the necessary foundation to then undertake actions that benefit the relationship mutually.
The best structured approach to do this is using the State of the Union Meeting:
- Understanding Each Other: The First Part of the State of The Union Meeting
- Reaching a Compromise: The Second Part of the State of the Union Meeting
Through the State of the Union, even the most action-oriented partner can learn the value of understanding before advising, and attuning partners, feeling understood, can take actions. This can transform conflict into a calm and connective experience for both partners.
Step 2: Create a Shared Emotion Culture In Your Relationship
This step becomes particularly crucial in families, where the emotional dynamics between parents and children impact the overall family harmony. The Gottman’s suggest learning emotion coaching.
For the emotion-dismissing partner, learning and practicing emotion coaching not only enhances trust with their children but also strengthens the bond with their partner, promoting deeper emotional intimacy.
For the emotion-attuning partner, reframe your partner’s action-orientated attempts as a strategy to make things better. This validation, paired with the partner working on emotion coaching can help them lean more into emotions that have been overwhelming in the past.
Step 3: Explore Emotion Upbringing
Addressing meta-emotion mismatches can also be achieved by engaging in discussions about each partner’s emotional experiences in childhood, including how they were comforted, and their parents’ reactions to their emotions such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, love.
By understanding each other’s emotional upbringing, it creates empathy and understanding to do things differently for your marriage.
Step 4: Practice Emotional Attunement and Actions
Practice emotional connection skills such as sharing emotions and listening via ritualized emotional check-ins such as the Stress-Reducing Conversation and State of the Union to maintain and strengthen the emotional bond.
After adopting these steps, Tom and Elena’s interactions transformed:
Elena: Today was overwhelming. Everything seemed to go wrong.
Tom: That sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it?
Elena: Yes, that would be so helpful..
This shift from conflict to connection demonstrates the power of understanding and addressing meta-emotion mismatches. By fostering an environment of emotional attunement and then action, couples can navigate challenges more effectively, laying a foundation for a resilient, connected, and respectful partnership.
FAQ: The Meta-Emotion Mismatch
Q1: What is a meta-emotion mismatch?
A: A meta-emotion mismatch occurs when partners have different approaches to handling emotions. One partner might be emotionally attuned (empathetic and understanding), while the other might be emotion dismissing (logical and action-oriented). This mismatch can lead to conflict and feelings of misunderstanding in a relationship.
Q2: How does meta-emotion mismatch affect relationships?
A: When partners have differing meta-emotional styles, it can lead to one partner feeling dismissed and the other feeling misunderstood. This can escalate conflicts and create emotional distance, undermining the relationship’s stability and intimacy.
Q3: What are the two main meta-emotional styles?
A: The two main styles are:
- Emotionally Attuned: Emphasizes empathy, understanding, and emotional engagement.
- Emotion Dismissing: Focuses on logic, action, and moving past emotions without deep engagement.
Q4: How can couples address a meta-emotion mismatch?
A: Couples can address this mismatch through several steps:
- Understanding Before Action: Acknowledge the validity of both approaches and focus on understanding emotions before taking action.
- State of the Union Meeting: A structured approach where partners discuss their feelings and work towards compromise.
- Creating a Shared Emotion Culture: Practice emotion coaching to foster deeper emotional intimacy.
- Exploring Emotional Upbringing: Discuss each partner’s childhood emotional experiences to build empathy and understanding.
- Practicing Emotional Attunement and Actions: Regularly share emotions and listen through ritualized emotional check-ins.
Q5: What is the State of the Union Meeting?
A: The State of the Union Meeting is a two-part process developed by the Gottmans to help couples understand each other’s emotional states and reach compromises. It involves:
- Understanding Each Other: Partners discuss their feelings and validate each other’s emotions.
- Reaching a Compromise: Partners work together to find actionable solutions that respect both emotional needs.
Q6: What is emotion coaching, and why is it important?
A: Emotion coaching is a practice where partners and parents validate and understand emotions rather than dismissing them. It’s crucial for building trust, emotional connection, and a supportive emotional environment within the family.
Q7: How does emotional upbringing influence adult relationships?
A: Our emotional upbringing shapes how we deal with emotions as adults. Understanding each other’s emotional experiences in childhood helps partners develop empathy and create healthier emotional dynamics in their relationship.
Q8: Can a couple successfully overcome a meta-emotion mismatch?
A: Yes, with effective communication strategies, understanding, and a willingness to adapt, couples can overcome a meta-emotion mismatch. Practices like the State of the Union Meeting and emotion coaching can transform conflicts into opportunities for connection and growth.
Q9: How can practicing emotional attunement and actions help?
A: By regularly sharing emotions and listening to each other through emotional check-ins, couples can maintain and strengthen their emotional bond. This practice helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters a supportive and respectful partnership.
Q10: Where can I learn more about meta-emotion and relationship strategies?
A: The Gottman Relationship Blog and resources like “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman provide valuable insights and strategies for understanding and improving emotional dynamics in relationships.
