In a recent interview, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Stan Tatkin, the developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) and best-selling author of “In Each Other’s Care” and the newly released second edition of “Wired for Love.”
Dr. Tatkin brings profound insights into creating secure functioning relationships, emphasizing the importance of partners becoming experts on each other. Here are the key takeaways from our enlightening conversation.
Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of partners becoming true experts on each other. This goes beyond knowing simple preferences, like your partner’s choice of milk in their coffee, to deeply understanding what soothes, pleases, and triggers them. Shockingly, many long-term couples lack this essential insight, which is crucial for nurturing a secure relationship where partners can profoundly care for and comfort each other. This level of expertise is not innate but is developed through conscious effort, effective communication, and mutual commitment.
He asserts that sustaining a secure relationship requires both partners to accept each other “as is” and take responsibility for their partner’s emotional well-being. This deliberate choice to care for one another, despite each other’s imperfections and pasts, transforms their relationship into a mutually beneficial and deeply connected partnership. By investing in understanding and supporting each other, both partners ensure that they thrive, making their relationship a winning endeavor for both.
Notice how you react when you’re scared or feeling threatened. Do you instinctively turn to the person who makes you feel most secure and safe? Ideally, this person should be your romantic partner. Together, you must be each other’s shelter from all storms in life.
Why?
Because you both have the capability, and because the alternative is detrimental. No matter where you go, maintaining a mutual sense of safety and security is essential. This is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.
As a survival unit, you rely on each other for various aspects of life, including good health, longevity, happiness, financial stability, good parenting, personal growth, creativity, and work performance. Viewing your partnership as a survival unit means being aware and prepared for high-stress, scary events together as a team. While the world may not always be a safe place, your relationship must be a constant haven of safety. You can never afford to be adversaries within your relationship. Internal conflict is self-destructive.
Therefore, to avoid being adversaries, focus on becoming true allies. Three of the strategies to do this are outlined below:
Identifying and Addressing Core Wounds
One of the profound points Dr. Tatkin makes is about the importance of identifying and addressing core wounds in a relationship. These wounds are often deep-seated and stem from childhood experiences or past relationship challenges. They can significantly impact the dynamics of a relationship if not properly managed. Dr. Tatkin advises couples to pay attention to recurring issues that activate these wounds and to work on healing them together.
In this view, your relationship is not solely about you; it is an entity in itself, a third reality that you and your partner are responsible for nurturing. By prioritizing this shared space—what Dr. Tatkin calls the Space-Between—over your individual needs, you paradoxically ensure that your needs are met more effectively. This approach may not heal childhood wounds entirely, but it fosters a relationship where both partners are consistently and empathically present for each other.
In this new emotionally safe environment, you develop fresh neural pathways enriched with loving presence, replacing the old toxic ones filled with the remnants of childhood suffering or past relationship injuries. The Space-Between becomes a vessel for the joy of a connected relationship.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Dr. Tatkin also delves into attachment theory, explaining how different attachment styles, such as avoidant and anxious attachments, affect relationships. He emphasizes treating partners with compassion, much like handling a skittish animal, to build trust and security. This approach helps in overcoming the barriers created by these attachment styles and fosters a more secure and loving relationship.
After all, attachment styles are adaptions to our environment. Insecure styles experienced unfair relationships. Therefore they are trying to avoid getting into more relational debt and unfairness by using attachment strategies to protect themselves first, rather than the relationship. Attachment theory can become a roadmap to understanding our best learned protection and trying new strategies to create a safer relational environment.
One of the ways to help our protective strategies is to utilize social contracts and fairness as outlined by Dr. Tatkin.
The Role of Social Contracts and Fairness
Secure functioning relationships are built on social contracts that promote fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity. Dr. Tatkin argues that partners must grow up, accept differences, and construct these contracts to prevent repeating negative patterns from their past. This involves being considerate, tolerating pain, and working with your partner to create a fair and just relationship.
In Wired for Love, Dr. Tatkin outlines how to create relationship agreements, shared governing principles, and guardrails to protect the relationship.
Dr. Stan Tatkin’s insights are invaluable for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship. By becoming experts on each other, understanding attachment styles, addressing core wounds, and establishing fair social contracts, couples can create secure and lasting relationships. As Dr. Tatkin says, it’s in our best interest to be competent at understanding our partners because a secure relationship benefits both individuals profoundly.
For more insights on building secure relationships, be sure to check out Dr. Tatkin’s books, “In Each Other’s Care” and “Wired for Love,” and stay tuned for more relationship advice on KyleBenson.net.
Additional Interviews On Secure Relationships with Dr. Stan Tatkin:
FAQ for Dr. Stan Tatkin’s Insights on Creating Secure Relationships
1. What does Dr. Tatkin mean by “becoming an expert on your partner”?
Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of deeply understanding your partner beyond their simple preferences. This means knowing what soothes, pleases, and triggers them to nurture a secure relationship where partners can profoundly care for and comfort each other.
2. Why is it important for partners to accept each other “as is”?
Accepting each other “as is” involves recognizing and embracing your partner’s imperfections and past experiences. This acceptance is crucial for taking responsibility for each other’s emotional well-being, which helps transform the relationship into a mutually beneficial and deeply connected partnership.
3. How does Dr. Tatkin describe a “couple bubble”?
A couple bubble is a secure and supportive space where partners care for, influence, and manage each other like attentive parents with their children. This concept is about being each other’s shelter from all storms, maintaining mutual safety and security, and preparing for high-stress events together as a team.
4. What are “core wounds,” and why is it important to address them in a relationship?
Core wounds are deep-seated emotional injuries often stemming from childhood or past relationships. Addressing these wounds is essential because they can significantly impact the dynamics of a relationship. Working on healing these wounds together helps in creating a secure and empathetic partnership.
5. How do attachment styles affect relationships according to Dr. Tatkin?
Different attachment styles, such as avoidant and anxious attachments, affect how partners interact and respond to each other. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes treating partners with compassion, akin to handling a skittish animal, to build trust and security and overcome barriers created by these attachment styles.
6. What role do social contracts and fairness play in secure functioning relationships?
Secure functioning relationships are built on social contracts that promote fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity. Dr. Tatkin suggests that partners should accept differences and construct these contracts to prevent repeating negative patterns from their past, fostering a fair and just relationship.
7. What are some strategies to avoid being adversaries in a relationship?
To avoid being adversaries, partners should focus on becoming true allies. This involves being aware of each other’s needs, understanding and addressing core wounds, and establishing social contracts that promote fairness and mutual sensitivity.
8. How can couples create a safe and nurturing environment for their relationship?
Creating a safe and nurturing environment involves deeply understanding each other, addressing core wounds, and treating each other with compassion. By prioritizing the shared space over individual needs, couples can develop new neural pathways enriched with loving presence, replacing old toxic ones.
9. Why is it important for a relationship to be a “constant haven of safety”?
In a world that may not always be safe, your relationship should be a constant haven of safety. This ensures that both partners feel secure and supported, allowing them to thrive individually and as a couple.
10. How does Dr. Tatkin suggest couples handle high-stress and scary events?
Dr. Tatkin suggests that couples should prepare for high-stress and scary events together as a team. This involves maintaining mutual safety and security, understanding each other’s triggers, and supporting each other through difficult times.
