Relationships can be filled with joy and connection, but they can also be incredibly challenging, especially when you feel stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Maybe you’ve asked your partner to change, to be more attentive, to communicate better, and yet, nothing shifts. This feeling of stagnation can leave you feeling frustrated, hopeless, and unsure of what to do next. In the latest episode of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and I dive into the complexities of creating change in stuck relationships and offer practical insights on how to move forward.
The Frustration of Stuck Relationships
If you’ve ever found yourself repeatedly asking your partner to change—to show up differently, to take more responsibility, or to communicate better—only to see no real progress, you’re not alone. This is a common experience for romantic partners, and it can be incredibly frustrating. You might feel like you’re doing everything right: expressing your needs, being vulnerable, and even suggesting solutions like therapy or self-help books. Yet, despite your best efforts, your relationship remains unchanged.
This pattern can lead to a cycle of blame and resentment, where you begin to question whether your partner truly cares about the relationship. The truth is, while it’s natural to want your partner to change, relying solely on them to improve the relationship can set you up for disappointment. The key to breaking free from this cycle lies in shifting your focus from trying to change your partner to understanding and working on yourself.
“It takes only one person to step outside of the dynamic with their partner to make a change in the relationship.”
Jennie Estes Powell & Jacqueline Wielick, authors of Help for High-Conflict Couples
Why Change Feels So Hard
One of the biggest challenges in creating change in stuck relationships is recognizing that you cannot change another person. As much as we might wish we could, the reality is that each person is responsible for their own actions and growth. This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you can clearly see how much better the relationship could be if your partner just made a few adjustments.
In the podcast, I discuss how this realization can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration. You may feel like you’re doing everything you can to improve the relationship, but without your partner’s active participation, it feels like an uphill battle. This is where many people get stuck—they continue to push for change, often through nagging, criticizing, or withdrawing, but these tactics rarely lead to the desired outcome. Instead, they can create more resistance and deepen the disconnection.
The Power of Self-Growth
So, what can you do when you’re faced with these challenges?
The first step is to focus on your own growth. While you can’t control your partner’s actions, you do have control over how you show up in the relationship. By investing in your personal development, you not only improve your own well-being but also set the stage for potential changes in the relationship.
In a secure relationship, each partner shows up as their best self, not as a way to get something in return, but out of love and the desire to connect.
Julie Menanno, author of Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime
Self-growth can take many forms, whether it’s seeking individual therapy, self-regulation, engaging in self-care practices, or pursuing activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. When you focus on bringing the best version of yourself, you create a more secure foundation for the relationship. This doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the issues in the relationship; rather, you’re addressing them from a place of inner security and clarity.
As Kimberly points out in the podcast, “Focusing on self-growth allows you to bring your best self to the relationship, which can inspire your partner to do the same.” Even if your partner doesn’t immediately respond to your changes, you’ll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise and make decisions that align with your values and needs.
Setting Boundaries for Change
Another crucial aspect of creating change in relationships is setting and maintaining clear boundaries. Boundaries are essential for creating a healthy dynamic where both partners feel respected and valued. However, setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when it leads to discomfort or anxiety.
For instance, if your partner has agreed to take on a specific responsibility, such as doing the dishes, but fails to follow through, it’s important to hold them accountable. Instead of stepping in to do the task yourself, which can lead to over-functioning, consider setting a boundary. This might mean letting the dishes pile up and calmly communicating to your partner that you’re waiting for them to fulfill their commitment. This form of tolerating the discomfort for change to occur is hard, yet creates the space for growth.
In the podcast, I emphasize that “Boundaries help clarify the expectations in a relationship and create space for each partner to take responsibility for their actions.” By setting clear boundaries, you’re not only protecting your own well-being but also encouraging your partner to step up and contribute to the relationship in a meaningful way.
Communicating Your Needs
Effective communication is another key element in creating change in relationships. It’s not enough to set boundaries; you also need to be clear about why you’re setting them. This level of transparency helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that both you and your partner are on the same page.
For example, if you’re feeling disconnected and decide to spend more time with friends, it’s important to communicate this decision to your partner. Let them know that you need connection and are seeking it with friends. This isn’t about being passive-aggressive or punitive; it’s about being honest about your needs and actions.
As we discuss in the podcast, “Clear communication helps build understanding and reduces the likelihood of resentment or misinterpretation.” By being upfront about your intentions, you’re more likely to foster a climate of trust and openness, which is essential for any relationship to thrive.
Embracing the Reality of Your Stuck Relationships
Ultimately, creating change in relationships requires you to face the reality of your relationship as it is today. This means accepting that change may be slow and that you cannot force your partner to grow. However, by focusing on your own self-growth, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively, you create the best possible conditions for positive change to occur.
If, after all your efforts, the relationship still doesn’t meet your needs, you’ll be in a stronger position to make decisions that are in your best interest. Whether that means continuing to work on the relationship or choosing to move on, the important thing is that you’re taking proactive steps to create the life and relationship you deserve.
Remember, creating change in relationships isn’t about fixing your partner; it’s about creating a secure, loving partnership by bringing your best self to the table.
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If you found these insights helpful, be sure to listen to the full episode and subscribe to the Roadmap to Secure Love Podcast for more episodes focused on emotional healing and relationship enhancement.
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FAQ: Creating Change in Stuck Relationships
1. Why do relationships often feel “stuck”?
Many relationships feel stuck when one partner is asking for change, such as better communication or more attentiveness, but doesn’t see progress. This can lead to frustration and hopelessness. The key issue is that trying to change someone else often leads to stagnation, as real change requires personal effort from each partner.
2. Why is it difficult to change my partner’s behavior?
It’s important to recognize that you cannot change someone else. Each person is responsible for their own actions and growth. Even when you clearly see how a few changes could improve the relationship, it’s up to your partner to make those changes.
3. What should I focus on if I feel stuck in my relationship?
Instead of focusing on your partner’s behavior, shift your attention to your own self-growth. This can include self-regulation, individual therapy, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. By showing up as your best self, you create a healthier foundation for your relationship and may inspire your partner to do the same.
4. How can setting boundaries help create change?
Setting clear boundaries is essential for fostering respect and accountability in relationships. Boundaries clarify expectations and help both partners take responsibility for their actions. For instance, if your partner doesn’t follow through on a responsibility, setting a boundary means not stepping in to do the task yourself, which creates space for them to step up.
5. What role does communication play in creating change?
Clear communication is vital in expressing your needs and intentions in a relationship. When you communicate your boundaries and reasons for setting them, it helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment. Open, transparent communication builds trust and understanding, which are key to creating a thriving relationship.
6. What if my partner doesn’t respond to my efforts to change?
If your partner doesn’t respond to your efforts, focusing on your own growth will still benefit your well-being. You’ll be better equipped to handle challenges and make decisions that align with your values. Over time, this may lead to positive changes in the relationship, or it may help you decide whether to continue working on the relationship or move on.
7. How can I embrace the reality of my relationship if it’s stuck?
Embracing the reality of your relationship means accepting that change may be slow and that you cannot force your partner to grow. However, by focusing on self-growth, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively, you create the best possible conditions for positive change. If the relationship still doesn’t meet your needs, you’ll be in a stronger position to make decisions that prioritize your well-being.
8. What is the main takeaway from the podcast episode on this topic?
The main takeaway is that creating change in relationships isn’t about fixing your partner. Instead, it’s about fostering a secure, loving partnership by bringing your best self to the relationship. Self-growth, boundary setting, and clear communication are powerful tools in this process.
For more insights, listen to the full episode of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast:
