How Stress Shows Up in Relationships
Even happy couples fight – and sometimes they do it in a way that doesn’t align with their integrity or intentions. Yelling, stomping out of the room, or acting like a “stone wall” during upsetting conversations can occur with even the most loving couples. Often, after these upsetting events, couples will say something like “I don’t know why I say those things when I’m mad… I don’t mean it” or “I wish I was a better listener, I don’t know what happens to me when we argue…it’s like I blackout” or “Of course I want to be able to have these conversations but whenever I try, I get so frustrated that I just have to leave the room”.
What Is Diffuse Physiological Arousal
When Gottman Method Couples therapists hear of these types of interactions occurring between partners, they begin to consider that something called “diffuse physiological arousal” (DPA), often referred to as “flooding”, might be at play.
How Flooding Is Related to DPA
Flooding is the body’s response to a threat. When someone is flooded, their body begins to release stress hormones. These stress hormones change the way the body and mind operate. When it comes to the body, breathing begins to change, muscle might tense up, the heart races (on average above 100 BPM), and we might experience dry mouth or a need to urinate more frequently.
At the same time, the mind is also changing. We become more self focused in an attempt to protect ourselves. This means we are more likely to utilize some of Gottman’s Four Horsemen – saying critical things instead of discussing topics with kindness, becoming defensive instead of being able to lead with curiosity, shutting down or stonewalling instead of showing openness, and becoming contemptuous instead of discussing our own pain.In a flooded state, it becomes more difficult to act in a way that promotes relational wellbeing – showing affection, humor, curiosity, or problem solving.
Internal and External Causes of Flooding
In relationships, you might become flooded due to external or internal stressors. An external stressor is a stressful experience that originates outside of the relationship. This includes being worried about losing your job, facing traffic on the way home, or learning that one of your parents needs to be put into hospice care. An internal stressor originates from within the relationship – perhaps you and your partner have been distant recently, have been having less sex, or are arguing more frequently.
When either internal or external stressors go beyond our ability to regulate them we experience what’s called “self regulation depletion” which results in a flooded state. When people are experiencing high levels of stress outside or inside of the home, they are more likely to be snappy with each other and less likely to solve their problems effectively.
What Science Tells Us About Flooding
When John Gottman conducted research on couples, he found that when someone is flooded it takes approximately 20 minutes (on average) away from the stressor for the stress hormones to leave the bloodstream. When you are experiencing a flooded state with your partner, it’s important to take a break and do a self soothing activity.If you notice your partner is experiencing a flooded state, it can be helpful to allow them to take space, to be calm and reassuring with them, and to recognize they are in a stressed state and that their difficult talking with you is not “purposeful” rather it is driven by a physiological state.Most of us have difficulty doing this which is why I wrote my book Til Stress Do Us Part.
How to navigate stress and flooding
If you’re in an argument and one of both of you is checked out, yelling, or stomping out of the room, try to follow this plan instead:
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Ask for a break.
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Take at least 20 minutes for a break so that you can move out of the state of diffuse physiological arousal. Agree to a time when you will come back and discuss.
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Do a Stress Relieving Activity
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During the break do a stress relieving activity like taking a walk, writing in a journal, or taking a shower.
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Avoid texting your partner, calling someone on the phone to talk about how mad you are, or googling about whatever topic initiated the argument. You need to take space from the stressor.
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Offer Repair When Coming Back Together
- When you return to each other, take a moment to reassure the other person you’d like to try to have the conversation again. Offer some repair, like apologizing for your part. It is crucial you come back together after a disagreement. This builds trust and safety.
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Use a Gentle Start Up
- During your conversation, use gentle start up, by expressing your feelings and needs and talking for yourself using “I” statements.
How To Reduce Stress Spillover
If you’re experiencing a lot of stress in your lives and you’ve noticed it has impacted the way in which you connect at home, it’s important to work to reduce stress spillover by:
- Making a list of your stressors to review so you can consider how to navigate them differently as a couple
- Consider what you can shed, what you can prevent, and what you must adapt to.
- Create a plan together to reduce stress by shedding obligations and tasks that are not necessary, preventing issues that can be prevented, and adapting through utilizing stress reduction techniques to the things you cannot change.
As you and your partner work to navigate stress together, you will build stronger “muscles” for managing flooded states and protecting your relationship from stress.
If you’re struggling with stress in your relationship, don’t wait until it causes lasting damage. Explore more resources on stress management and relationship health at Gottman Inc.
